You Damn Cheater!!!

Now I know what you're probablly thinking... "Oh Boy! Here she go..." Nope I am not about to start cryin nshit because I was cheated on. Ha...I'm actually gonna tell you how to prevent being cheated on. This one is really for all my chics, but fellas I got a few words for yall as well.

Once Upon a time there was this bad bad chic, everywhere she went dudes & females would hit on her. One day she meets this dude who sweeps her off her feet & they get married....and lived happily ever after??!! NOPE...see this chic thought she was so fine she could make her man stay loyal to her just off looks alone. Nope. Everyday her man came home from work, the house was a mess, dishes piled in the sink, no dinner on the table. He complained begged, & pleaded with her to stat being a better housewife & she would reply "baby I am a excellent housewife, you come home to the best pussy everynight my love" This angered him very much because he didnt care about no pussy if his stomach was hungry & the sheets aint been changed in 3 weeks. SO He starts foolin around with a co-worker & starts growin feelings for her. He would come to her house for a little rendezvous & she would have a hot meal waitin for him lit by candlelight. The house was spotless, & she even cleaned the dishes after dinner. Of course he couldnt help but fall in love with this girl despite the fact that she was not as pretty as his wife. Damn she was better. She sucked his dick without complaints & treated him like a king. Finally he couldnt take it anymore...he came home to his wife and said "Look BITCH im sick of this shit! yoou dont clean, you dont cook, bitch all you do is spend my money & get yo weave done every week. I want a fuckin divorce. He divorced that bitch, married his co-worker & then LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Now the moral to the story is...
dont think just cause you pretty your nigga aint gonna cheat on you. Cause thats exactly what he will do! Three things you can do to keep your man satisfied & never even breathe in another bitches direction.
#1 HEAD...im talkin head in the livingroom, head in the kitchen, head during breakfast, head in the shower. Sloppy head, crazy head, pornstar head. You gone be so busy suckin his dick all the time he wont have time to think about another girl.
#2 Feed Him...how would you like it if everytime you came home from a 12hr shift the house smelled like old gym socks & spoiled milk? & your man been home all day with his feet kicked up watching football or some shit! You better make sure that house looks immaculate as soon as he steps in the door he better be overcome with the snell of chicken & mashed potatoes. No man wants an empty stomach & if you aint cookin best believe the bitch next door is.
#3 pornstar fuck him...yea. thats what i said! PORNSTAR FUCK HIM...next time youre at the video store grab a handful of pornos. All the shit that makes you say "eeeew thats nasty" or "damn that bitch is a freak...i would never do that" DO IT!! The freakier the better. Men get bored easily...especially in the missionary position on a fluffy bed. SHit sounds boring as hell just thinkin about it. Anyway my point is niggas like that nasty crazy off the wall fuckin...they want a freak! so give em a freak! hE WONT LOOK AT YOU ANY DIFFERENT I SWEAR....the more you change it up on him the more he gone be so sprung he aint gone even think about another broad!

Take note of what i'm sayin...by all means if you are a victim of cheatin....there aint shit else you can do about it now. Well of course you could go and slash his tires, burn his shit, and throw acid on his penis. But will that resolve how you feel inside. I bet it wont. See the way I see it is if you cant beat em' join em'. If your man cant leave the freaks alone...become one of the freaks. Give him a reason to wanna come home and ROCK yo shit every night. lol And stop sittin there behind your computer screen talkin bout "she dont know what the hell she talkin about!" hmpph dont be so sure, I may be bonin your man as we speak. LOL

& To the hard head ass dudes out there who just has to have everything his damn way! I definitely dont want to hear your ass crying nshit talkin cause your girl done went and fucked your friend. Well, your friend probablly put it down on her unlike anything you have ever shown her. And if thats the case you know what you have to do...? EAT IT THEN BEAT IT! ha...if you catch my drift. I remember it was a time when niggas wasnt even on that eatin pussy...but now its like a damn trend. Everybody is doin it, even a lot of bitches. lol As long as you give her a little tongue action before you start the tappin you good to go. You gone keep a smile on her face for the next week, and I can guarantee the last thing on her mind will be some other nigga. You gone have her fiendin for it at work, and all that. HA. Bottom line is if you put in a little work and effort you gone keep your partner happy & what reason then would they have to even watch another porno without considering you first? Please do try this at home & let me know how it works out. lol.

Trapped in the closet?...Its ok ur not alone

Ok this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long time now, and today is the right day to speak my damn mind. You niggas think you so slick dont you? With all this "no homo" shit you keep screamin. *side eye* mhmmm....NO HOMO my ass...It be the thug niggas who be the most gay too. The type of dudes that will make a big scene in front of his boys if you make too many gay jokes or accidently brush up against his balls as you walk past him. But later on that night that same nigga laid up on the couch watchin 2 buff niggas in leopard thongs kissin on a beach, while he jack off. mhmm. I SEE YOU FRUITCAKE ASS BUSTAS! Man I know for a fact that "no homo" shit was a way for the real homos to get away with sayin some suspect shit without a non-homo beatin the fuck outta him. Shit I use to date this dude who always had me wondering about him. Like is this nigga playin with boy's bootholes when we not together. Everytime we had sex he would push my head on his chest & moan talkin bout "suck my nipples baby....ooow suck my nipples" NIGGA HUH! suck yo nipples? uuh-uhhhhhhhhn YOU GAY ASS BASTARD! I mean I aint gone lie I would do it only cause it made him cum. But who has an orgasm while a bitch sucks on their nipples? Somethin aint right!!! & You know it too. I never said nothin to him about it, but I know for a fact if he ever went to jail, he gone be the nigga on the top bunk starin down at his roomate lickin his lips talkin bout "damn he got some big thighs..owwweeee" lol Im not writing all this to say that there is something wrong with being gay cause yall know I'm a little fruit cake myself lol but niggas really needa step out the closet and quit tryna play the "thug" role. We know some of yall got pink polka dot thongs up under them saggy jeans & blue boxers. Tryna hide your identity aint gone make you any less gay. If you like to pack the fudge then you like to pack the fudge. Like Tupac said "I aint mad atcha" lol Let this be an encouragement to all you fools trapped in the closet and feel like there's no way out. There is baby...all you gotta do is high step it out that closet with your favorite stilletos snap yo finger in a circle and say "dicks over chicks" Sure some of ya boys may beat the shit outta you, some may disown you as they patna but the good thing is "you are now free to move about the country" in peace. You homo niggas. LMAO

Sleep Walking & Chocolate Condoms

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just want the shit to be over already because every damn thing that could go wrong, DOES go wrong? Yea well this week was ridiculous. SMH I mean damn, talk about some bad luck. I'm not even gonna sit here and give you a run-down of my week cause that will probablly set me off all over again. But what I will do is tell you how my weekend made up for all the bullshit.

FRIDAY Night:
Me and Michael go and see the new Nightmare on elm street & he is loud as shit in the movies. Actin like the average loud as black man talkin bout "BITCH TURN AROUND...HE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!" smh this nigga is a clown he almost made me cuss his ass out for being so damn loud. And had all the white people ssssh'n us in the movie theater. I'm like Micahel could you shut the fuck up so we can watch the movie. By the middle of the movie I fell asleep in his arms because to be honest that shit was TRASH! I'm like first of that dont even look like the old Freddy! Where the fuck is the old freddy at and why dude look like a burnt chia pet. Anyway I woke up toward the end of the movie as Freddy was gauging some bitches guts out and I screamed my ass off. Sometimes I would scream just to piss off the sadity white people who kept goin "SSSSSSHHHHH" Well we leave the movies and get dinner at this little mexican spot and some dude with a big ass sombrero tried to hit on me so Michael gets all hostile and shit. ughhh...men will be men. We end up driving downtown and sitting in the car smoking a nice joint to the face! & it was some good shit to cause I was so high I thought the car was driving itself. We grab a 6 pack of Corona, get back home & suck down 3 bottles a piece within 20 minutes and pass out on the couch. And that was basically my Friday night. Saturday is even better. lol

SATURDAY Night:
Now a lot of Saturday is kinda coming together in flashes. Seeing hows I was so drunk I pissed vodka this morning. Anyways. So yea Me and Michael meet up at the park and sit there like a corny ass couple holding hands on a park bench. (his idea not mine) Personally I woulda preferred to be indoors gettin my brains fucked out but hey thats just me right. lol We get into a big argument (over a dude) Then he tells me "im not a jealous dude, if you wanna fuck someone else go ahead just use protection" Now WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!? Like cmon now, you really giving me permission to fuck someone else. *gucci voice* Well DAMN you aint gotta tell me twice. LMAO hey hey I'm only kidding. sorta. See here's the thing I'm going to Miami in about a week and umm....YEA! The person I really wanna be screwing lives there. *big grin* See I been thinking about him every single day! LIKE EVERY DAMN DAY! & when i'm kickin it with michael I'm thinkin damn I wonder what "He" is doing lol thats so bad I know. With one nigga, but really thinking about someone else. hmm...Anyway back to my Saturday. SO we get into an arument, then guess what...all the sudden this fool starts falling asleep!! Im like what the FUCK! NIGGA WAKE UP! But he wont wake up...he is foamin at the mouth and shit. Then I start to panick like OH FUCK! Did I slip him some pills and forget or what?!! I shake him and he snaps awake like nothing had even happen, and goes back to talkin. I'm like what in the hell. Apparently he took some medication that makes him drowsy so pretty much this fool was falling asleep in public. And I kid you not it was the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. We walk to the corner store and this fool falls asleep at the counter. We got to McDonalds and he falls asleep with a BigMac in his hand. We get to the house and he falls asleep leaning against the counter drinkin a milkshake. hahahaha Like just thinking about it makes me weak with laughter. We walk to the car and this nigga is steppin on imaginary curbs. lmfao like he literally put his knees all the way up in the air thinking he stepping on a curb. The shit is hilarious. Everytime he started dozin off I would yell in his face "MICHAEL WAKE UP!!!" hahahaha He would snap awake and mumble some nonsense. Which I could barely understand. Something bout cheese fries and a medicine cabinet or something. I have no clue. Anyway later that night I put him in bed and i'm laying on the couch watching t.v. next thing I know this fool done slept walked into the living room standing in front of me with a chocolate condom in his mouth. And tells me "lets go half on a baby" Im like nigga YOU SLEEP!!! how you gone make a baby in yo sleep!? lmao So he tries to open his eyes and Im like NO fool give it up take yo butt and get in the bed PLEASE! This shit is ridiculous. He wont listen to me...foaming at the mouth again YUCK! I finally say FUCK IT and pull him to the couch, start unbottoning his pants and next thing I know this nigga is snorin on top of me. Like cmon now dude! Get yo heavy ass up...and take yo chocolate condom with you. Can you believe it took me 10 minutes just to get this boy off me and back into the bed. What a damn shame. Im tellin you I havent laughed this damn hard in a long time. Like this shit was hilarious. Now Im pretty disappointed though, because I want to be doing more than just sitting around watching t.v. on a Saturday night so I crack open the three olives in the freezer and start takin shots. At first I said I was just gonna take 2 then 2 turned into about 7 lol by the time I realized I was drunk I had already devoured nearly the whole bottle. I realize I have to hide the bottle because that was a fresh bottle of vodka that i drank all to myself. And it really wasnt mines to drink in the first place. Oh well the dirt is done now. I stash the near-empty bottle in the bottom cupboard behind some cans of corn and stumble to the couch. And apparently passed out. Hey just like Friday lol. SO pretty much the rest of the week ima have to lay off the booze and green shit cause how useful am I when im not sober? EXACTLY! I been thinkin about goin to an AA class just for the fuck of it. I mean not like im really gonna quit drinkin all togther but i can afford to take a few days off. Come next Friday i'll be wasted again. Who am I foolin? Now the question is WHAT TO DO ON SUNDAY? hmm....fornication is not completly out the picture as long as this nigga can stay awake. hahaha